Self Conversation

Today I cried from somewhere deep within. The tears boiled over and I couldn’t control them. It wasn’t a physical manifestation but a mental truth exposed that left the state of my heart unsure. The things I know for certain scare me and every moment I have my mental tried to talk me out of all the things that make sense in my life. Afterall, is anything suppose to make sense? I keep feeling myself trying to divert back. I keep hearing the sound of silence engulfing me. I feel like the more I speak the bigger the ditch I dig for myself. I do not have a balance, I cannot find the middle ground. I feel its an all or nothing and right now nothing is making the most sense. Maybe I need to talk. Maybe everything would be better if I filled the silence with words. But then again maybe the silence should just keep its form. Maybe the issue is that I keep trying to fill the silence. I know I probably shouldn’t write this. I know that this has just become another collection of words I will let live here and never speak of…but its the one piece of me that has kept my sanity over the years. It os my oldest and most trusted friend. Without writing I would have been left and lost long ago. So I wait in silence and allow my fingers to collect the letters and formulate the thoughts. ~unfinished~

You Make me SMILE

So I haven’t really written in about a week. I mean I really haven’t sat down, thought about and formulated words that truly describe my feelings outside of facebook statuses. But I have the moment now and there’s some much I need to say. I have been in this place for years where I was confused about so many things in life and had somehow thought that settling for less than I am worth would be okay. That I would accept whatever came along. But through much work God changed it all. They say God works in mysterious ways and that is something I will have to certainly say is true. Who knew that after years of holding onto the past that my future would shine so bright. Who knew that I the ideas I had of love and life were all wrong before. What I needed was what I failed to really see until God showed me exactly what that was. I needed to find myself completely in God so he could show me what love was all about. It is truly beyond what most people write it out to be. Love is a spiritual connection that when two people on seperate paths are chasing after God and realize that all of a sudden there is someone running beside them toward the same goal. Its a moment when you see that you no longer are a lone traveller on this road but God has sent you help, motivation becuase there will be times in your life that you won’t feel like running. And times that you look back and it seems like going back may get you somewhere that moving forward may not. And when you can’t truly hear God for yourself at times you need that person there that will grab your hand and refuse to let you give up. That person that will pray with you when you can’t speak. That person that will at times have a God given strength a little stronger than your own that will pull you both through. Love is about a give and take. Its about two people that realize life is never going to be completely simple. You will never have all the answers but as long as you’re following God there is nothing impossible. There is still alot that I am struggling to overcome. With God’s help I know I will one day be free of all of the boxes I have placed myself in. But one thing I can say at the moment is that I am happy. Everything may not go my way but it’s going God’s way and there is much more to come. ~101 Reasons to Smile and thousands of words still left to say~

Shifting the Atmosphere

The atmosphere has shifted in my life and I’m not sure what’s next. I’m losing myself in an array of emotions my heart is bubbling and I’m falling in love daily with God. You know I sit there at times and I just think. I just think about this relationship I have formed with him and I talk to him throughout the day and I am joyful that he continues to reveal his purpose and work in my life. Over the course of the last few days I’ve been going through an emotional shift that is flooded with a plethora if mixed emotions and signals. But the hardest part about it is that I just want to release. I justwant to say what’s on my heart. I want my mother to listen, like really listen to me and trust that the plan God has for my life is working and I’m not sitting doormat but trusting and believing that as I continue to search for the means he will reveal them for me. I’m tired of temporary I want the extraordinary that will implant itself in my heart, mind, body and soul until I have no other choice but to release. Sometimes I really wish I lived in the country because sometimes I really literally just want to completely lose myself and cry out to God. I feel like I cry silently but for somethings yo break I need to cry out with all that is within me. I don’t want to carry on feeling like Noah. Everyone else laughing while I’m telling them it’s gonna rain because God promised. I’m standing on his word. I feel like God and I hae this friendship that I talk to him like I am just conversing with one of my friends. One thing that made me smile and at the same time comforted me happened part night. I was on the train on my way home from work and was falling asleep as always and I felt someone in the seat beside me. I could have swore on my life that there was someone there. But when I opened my eyes to take a peek the seat was empty. All. Could do was smile. You ask why I smiled? Because I know God has angels of protection encamped around me and that I feel like was just a reminder that… “I’m here, you can rest peacefully.” I’ve always wondered at times to if my angels make themselves present to other people. For example. When I’m walking to my car alone late at night and the lot is nearly empty. When people out to do evil look my way do they just see me or do they see others and recognize I am not alone therefore change their course of action? I’m not sure but I think thst maybe they do.

Broken Pieces

My emotional status is fading and all I can ask is for God to pick up the pieces while I’m breaking. ~Giving God the puzzle because I can’t put together these pieces~

Broken, truth, prayer

I want to fight but I keep telling myself it’s pointless. He’s in love and you don’t just fall out of love. He found his perfect piece and maybe now is Nottingham the time but maybe someday will be. But what’s hard is that I’m battling these feelings. I want to just pour them out but I feel like I would be fighting for something that’s already gone. My emotions continue to grow and I have no control over them which frustrates me. I see a future with him and not just from the shallow standpoints. I see us kneeling in prayer together, being a support for each other. Sharing laughs and tears, knowledge and pain and joy. The connection I feel to him is deeper than the surface I am falling faster and faster into this pit. But I’m trying to stop myself, I really want to stop myself because I want to preserve what we have, our friendship. I promised God I wouldn’t say anything else about my feelings to him so I’m just going to write them. It takes a lot from me. I’ve tried to deteriorate the friendship but it’s such a part of who I am and so important to me that even in the attempts it feels wrong. Honestly I just want to be understanding and supportive. I want him to have joy in his life and happiness in whatever path he chooses to follow and with whomever. I can’t say it won’t hurt because honestly at the moment I’m working through my hurt because for me I have already told myself the worst and accepted it. I know it sounds silly but these emotions are real and they tug a my being and I’m frustrated. I’m frustrated with myself for wanting to cry. I’m frustrated with myself for still holding onto the idea no matter how hard I try. In the back of my mind I keep hearing “you can’t rid yourself of something you didn’t place there.” but God I am not what he wants. As a friend yes, beyond that he’s looking for something else and please just let him find it. I don’t want to stand in the way, around the way even close to the way of blocking his happiness. Please God just give him what he wants and let your holy spirit comfort. I just ask that you just keep my focus on you and continue to work with me through release o all of the issues o my past that I cling on to. ~ Praying through the hurt, living through the tears~

Welcome to a new reality

God has been dealing with me daily. Opening my eyes, my mind, my spirit and my life to him. My love has continuously grown for him and my heart is full. I have been spending more and more time with God and the more my love grows the more I realize that the emotional wounds I have subjected myself to are pure stupidity. I have always operated under the idea and principle that no matter what happens in life I have to look at myself first as the cause. I don’t know exactly when this idea was planted but it’s there. It’s scary because when I truly think about it, it possesses a battered woman mentality. Now I wouldn’t ever let a man beat me. But, if a man cheated on me, although if it’s just a boyfriend, girlfriend relationship I may choose not to continue I would look at the situation and say…”At what point did I do something to cause this to happen? What was my role in causing him to cheat.” Wow, sometimes in being honest with yourself you see things you’ve never seen before. The idea of this just gets deeper because truly I’m not sure where the seed was planted. I want to protect everyone else, I want to be their rock. When troubles come I want to be their shoulder to lean on and cry on. I will be that voice to speak when they cannot muster the words, but for the longest time I have been scared to let someone be that for me. But God has been trying for my existence to be that rock and I’m opened up to the idea daily. Yet, I’m still working on allowing people to be there for me in the same capacity. When things happen I just feel so vulnerable and i’ve had experience in the past where in those moments when I just need that shoulder it has failed me. In the moments when I just needed a friend I ended up hurt because what I needed them for wasn’t in their eyes important or something I should be crying about. I think I’m starting to realize where the seed was planted. I was an emotional child. And I am an emotional adult. But I use to wear my heart on my sleeve. When I was happy the whole world had a taste, when I was angry I just released those emotions and when I was sad or hurt tears sprinted down my face. But, I learned that being that emotional came with consequences. Wearing my happiness on my sleeve made me an easy target for bullies. But being quick in anger also made me hot tempered and irrational. And wearing my sadness and hurt made me weak in the eyes of others. Therefore; I learned how to control them all to the best of my ability to come to a point where I could react and rationalize and when something did happen and I lost those levels of control my first response was and has always been… “what did I do wrong to not avoid this situation?” and there is the seed being planted. ~ Digging up old roots to plant a new seed~

Documented Truth

Sometimes you think….”I should put it all on the line.” and then you realize… “that’s not a road I’m willing to travel.” sometimes the sidelines are enough no need to play the game, just cheer on the rest of the team. The people on the sidelines are just as valuable as the players in the game… Motivation has to come from somewhere. As long as everyone is happy I can deal. ~Patiently waiting for God to write my love story even if it takes some time~

I don’t want to settle for less than what I deserve. I don’t want to put myself through unnecessary heartache. I just want God to make me into a woman after his own heart and while I’m on this path allow me to crash into a man chasing after the same thing…God. I don’t want to be first in this life because I don’t want flesh to overtake the vision. God first, family second and everything else will fall in line. I use to think much less of myself and the idea of settling before was not too far fetched. But, I have continued to grow my relationship with God and realize that God will not give me less than I deserve. He will continue to open doors, eyes, minds and hearts. I just have to have the faith to step through and give him the praise even when it seems like the world is crashing around me because everything has a purpose. Every battle has a victor and as long as God is on my side it is never a loss, sometimes a lesson but if the lesson is learned in preparation of a new step then it isn’t a loss but a stepping stone leading me to the next level. There is a freedom that I have but I am not completely free. I still hold on to a level of fear and I call it fear because it is the only thing that can make one shut down. If I was completely honest with those around me there would be things I would say. But, fear of continuously being too open stops me. Not because I don’t really want to say things but because being too open makes it difficult to 100 percent completely be myself and to continuously be honest. I want people to enjoy their happiness and to support them in whatever choices they make because it’s not my life, therefore my opinion shouldn’t matter. I guess what I’m saying is… Yes I could picture a life abiding in Christ with a husband seeking after him too and us growing together in love for God and each other. But, if any man be in my life and they find happiness elsewhere. If they fall in love and their heart abides with someone else all I can do is rejoice in their happiness for if they abide with God truly they have found what they are seeking. And who am I to tell them otherwise. I rejoice for them and ignore what I may feel because maybe my heart has taken over and been distracted by my own thinking. And in that I just pray and fast for clarity that my thoughts not dictate my life but God’s thoughts take over and guide. If it’s meant to be God reveal it to me, to those around me, send confirmation. If it’s not for me point me in a different direction. ~ just want your will for my life whatever it may be~

No Title

It’s there, although I don’t want it to be. Somethings just make the real harder and the fantasy appealing, but truth always wins out. ~ Constantly removing the idea~

Surprises

They come wrapped in may different papers, sometimes they’re in bags or boxes, but every one shares the same trait. They pop up and push you off balance. They are truth in it’s rarest form and the way in which the heart continues to beat. There are thousands of things I could say in attempts to make sense out of life. But, the truth is life never has and never will make sense to me. The surprises keep coming at every corner. Now, sometimes having thought of the worst you may have the chance to dull the surpass but it still has an effect. Honestly the only truth I can tell is that I’m tired. I can’t try to think ahead anymore. Yes, I have dreams and goals, I have hopes and crossed fingers. I have smiles and rugged heartbeats but I’m living life in a new light. I’m not hiding, because hiding causes fear and I’m tired of being afraid. I want to be fearless In everything no matter what the consequences because I’m worth it. Because life is worth it, because freedom and the ability to truly live is worth it. ~Grasping Change~

Running

I don’t know where I’m running to, I don’t know what I’m running from, I’m just waiting on the moment that I standstill and find myself somewhere safe. Somewhere where everything doesn’t seem as complicated. Somewhere I love to me. ~Searching for something I may never find~